Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for February, 2010

Too Often

Too often there’s an emptiness in my dreams (alternate realities) where Anthony is supposed to be. I’ve experienced numerous variations on this theme over the last 8 or 9 months.

In one, I “heard” that our life together was over. We were both very sad, but there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. In others, he was angry with me, felt betrayed or bored and was leaving me. In another there seemed to be someone else in his life that he was leaving me for. In yet another, he had been gone for a while, came back–but not for me, for his ‘stuff,’ seeming to take pleasure in rubbing my nose in letting me know he was not coming back to me.

Oddly none of that seemed to affect me. I had no sense of feeling betrayed, or embarrassed, or remorseful. I had no anger, only sadness and disbelief. But  always there is this tremendous emptiness. In every reality, it does not seem possible after more than 20 years (and how many lifetimes?) that what we have could truly be ‘gone.’

This feeling hangs over me once again today in this reality as I deal with another possible way of losing him–through illness. We wait once more for another biopsy report and pray that it too will be negative. He has made it very clear that he would not have surgery again, and my fear has been that he would give up.

And as I remember past lives (alternate timelines/ parallel realities) where I have left him, hurt and alone, callous to his (her) feelings, I suspect that it may be part of the balancing process–one in which he chooses to leave, but still with much love between us.

Sitting In Between

Since I have been home from work for a day and a half, getting a bit of rest only goes so far. Then its playing catch up on shows I have on TiVo, playing some online games, and then…?

Last weekend I had so much I wanted to have time to do, continue working a DVD series I have, trying new things on this blog and other things I can’t even remember anymore. Just like yesterday morning, a joy-filled, energized and happy morning–so much energy for so many wonderful things. And now, I have no sense of being pulled towards anything. I’m just sitting in between, waiting for some sense of where to direct my attention.

Come again?

Perhaps this is what yesterday’s fall was about. “Time Out.” Just sit there (lay there actually) until you are ready to move again. In the meanwhile, just Be. So I guess I’ll just turn off the TV, move away from the computer and just Be for a while…sitting in between.

Black Ice

This morning was one of those mornings when all was right with the world. The trees and bushes were covered with snow, yet the roads were clear. I’m feeling good after my workout and a warm, relaxing shower. My body is tingling with energy and I am feeling happy to be going to a job I love.

Oh, happy day!

And then I hit the ice–with my face! It happened so fast that I hit the ground before I knew what happened..and hit my head hard. It took a while for me to get myself up, at which point I noticed the blood on the ground, on my pocketbook, even on the bumper of my car.

Thankfully the cut was small, just in one of those places that bleeds a lot. One CT scan, tetanus shot and several Tylenol later and I’m doing okay. In fact, my shoulder hurts more than my head at this point, although I have a nice shiner to show off, LOL.

Still when I think about it, is it just “one of those things?” I don’t really believe in that anymore. Learn to let go? Put myself first? Let others handle things ? Have I been shouldering too much? Perhaps I just don’t have enough information or perspective at this moment to understand what this is about.

Seeing the people who reach out–and those that don’t? When you’re left alone to get yourself up off the floor, and when someone goes out of their way to see if you’re okay and offers to help? Experiencing the polarities and dealing with the gratitude and the disappointment.

Again, time will tell…

Snow Day

Gifts come in many forms. This week many of us in the East received a gift of 24 hours. It’s been decades since I had a “snow day.” So different from a Saturday or Sunday with lists of things to take care of and agendas of their own–it was a snow day! It was completely unexpected  and felt like such a gift.

While the weather reports were very clear that a big storm was on the way, I had heard that my employer very rarely closed down. Even as one school district after another preemptively closed for the day, there was no inkling that our offices would close–at best open perhaps one hour later. This is what others shared based on past experience.

So the delight of hearing a voicemail message at 6:30 in the morning that our offices were CLOSED was palpable. There were things I needed to do from home to alert clients, check emails and so forth, but I did not need to make a tense drive through snow and ice! And I could go back to bed!!

Freedom!

When I got up a couple of hours later I checked in with myself what I would do with myself and my day. First, exercise. Great, plenty of time, no pressure to be done by a certain hour–followed by a relaxed, hot shower.

Then, slipping into comfy sweats I decided, yes, this is the perfect day to attend to the sewing projects that there was never time for. They didn’t take very long, but it felt great to have these projects done, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Add in a few relaxed phone calls, a nice nap and extra time with hubby and kitties and it was a gift of a day.

Interestingly this same sense was felt by each of us in the office. Perhaps because there had been such a climate of “the office must be open” in the past,  we were all so much more relaxed and happy having received an unexpected, yet very welcome gift of 24 hours to do with as we pleased! 🙂

Oh, Brother…

Transitions happen at any age, at any stage of life. And when they come late in life we think mostly of what some call the ultimate transition…death. And yet, just like those of us who seemingly have decades ahead of us before we are ready for that sort of transition, the elderly too can have to face transitions brought on by changing circumstances.

Of course those changes have been happening all along, loss of parents, change in family life, end of work life, changes in self-identity, loss of peers… Often these transitions are brought on the the death of “someone or something.” Yet profound emotions can be triggered by simple change as well.

My Dad, who will be 90 later this year, is experiencing an unexpected change which is having a deep emotional affect: his 85 year-old brother and his wife have decided to move to Florida year-round. While for the past years they have been wintering in Florida, they have always returned to the Northeast, where he and my family have spent the last 70 plus years. So this sudden announcement came as a tremendous shock to Dad.

Now mind you, as is often the case between siblings, the has been a lot of water under the bridge between them over the decades. In fact they spent many years not speaking at all. But thankfully for them they have come to some sort of peace between them and have arrived at what I would call a removed connection. They speak on the phone perhaps once every 6 weeks, and see each other 2-3 times a year. As they are both now well into their 80’s the hour and a half drive is a strain.

Are you still there?

Strain or not, clearly they are not close. And yet, my Dad is experiencing a sort of mourning. Rationally he understands that they will speak on the phone (same as before) and see each other a couple of times year, yet the ground upon which he has stood his entire life has shifted…again. Undoubtedly despite their distant relationship, knowing that they live in the same state, within driving distance gives a sense of closeness that being 1400 miles away cannot mask. And the last direct connection to his parents is fading from his life…

It’s so easy to fall into feeling sorry for Dad and what he’s experiencing. Human nature perhaps. But I strive to see it from a higher perspective… that of Soul–mine, and his. Experiencing this transition is another step closer to what will be an ultimate shift. Some call it death. I think of it as the well-deserved return to his spirit form, where he can integrate all he’s experienced and learned, and choose what is best for him…next.

And the gift? The gift is in using this time to honestly share our thoughts and feelings about the road ahead. I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to consciously, openly share this sacred time of transition with my Dad.

Fear of Abundance

What I love about being aware of my dreams and understanding what they are showing me is that they can viscerally open me to sides of myself with which I have been completely out of touch.

Many years ago I consciously started to pay attention to my dreams for purposes of inner growth, not entertainment. On some level I had always done this, but about 25 years ago I began to approach dreaming in a new way. Not through dream dictionaries, which often didn’t resonate with me, but through an inner interpreter. I eventually did find a wonderful dream book that spoke to me, The Mystical Magical Marvelous World of Dreams by Wilda B. Tanner.

I began to see a multitude of layers of interpretation for each dream. Every layer spoke its own truth and none negated any other interpretation. The richness of these dreams and these many layers of understanding astounded me.

After a time I’d have a dream, then in another dream, I’d be telling someone about the first dream and interpreting it. At times it would go still further like a follow up dream, followed by its interpretation, often interwoven with that of the first dream….fascinating.

There came a point when I would have total detailed recall of 7 or 8 dreams each night. I would record them religiously in the minutest detail. It became a huge daily chore. I began to realize that I had “cleaned out” as much of my subconscious as I was going to at that time; all the dreams were telling me the same things over and over and over. So I asked for the (conscious) dreaming to stop until and unless something new could be discovered.

So the dreams became much less frequent, but when I recalled them they were significant. They warned me, prepared me and taught me…again. I gave myself permission not to have to record them unless I was moved to. And they changed.

More and more my dreams were communications from other dimensions. I’d had them before, but now there was greater recall of the communications as opposed to just an overall feeling I was left with.

And as you may know, if you’ve read earlier posts on this blog, for some time now, I have been “dreaming” or perhaps more accurately, “jumping” into alternative realities during sleep state.

Well, last night was something of a blending of several realities. Without boring you with all the details, I can say the dream opened with a traditionally symbolic scene…a new car and an old car, both “mine” about to collide–actually more like sideswipe one another. They came within an inch of each other, when the “old” car I was in passed the “new” one and kept speeding up. I found I had no control of this car, as I was seated in the driver’s seat–backwards! I opened the door to jump out, and jumped into another reality…

In this reality what I thought was day was actually night; I felt I was missing at least 12 hours of time and the people I was with didn’t know if I had been with them or not. It was all feeling ‘weird.’  I was living with a coworker from this reality, but she was more into partying with these men that were there than working, unlike in this physical reality.

Things became even more eye-opening when I began to leave my home in this dream and I saw the men my coworker was hanging out with leave too. I believe they had “done something” and they knew I knew what they had done. Let me put it this way–I was feeling extremely paranoid in this reality. I tried to avoid eye contact with these men, and ultimately hid, as I feared they would try to eliminate a witness.

Then one of the men came back to confront me. Yet nothing he said or did was threatening. Nevertheless, I felt threatened. In fact, what he did say was that I had to go to this vault with funds that were there for me. And I was to write myself a check everyday, for the rest of my life. He took out a kitchen knife, but rather than threaten me with it, he made a small cut in his forearm and let a small amount of his blood from the cut drip onto an electronic triggering mechanism. I was supposed to use this trigger to accept this gift.

But I was filled with distrust. The gift he gave me felt like a payoff to keep quiet. Thoughts that the small amount of smoke from the blood on the trigger was actually some toxic fume intended to kill me, or that if I activated the trigger I might blow up. I deliberated for some time before attempting to pick up the mechanism, finally deciding that I could justify accepting this as my life was being threatened. So I tentatively picked up the trigger, experienced a couple of energetic surges from it (nothing that would kill me though) and walked out to the parking lot.

I couldn’t find my car so I had to activate the trigger to identify it, much like using your car remote. But the sound it made was muffled and unrecognizable to me. What I was avoiding accepting was that my car was this large silver limousine prominently situated in the middle of the parking lot! When I finally allowed myself to accept that THIS was now my car, I opened the limousine door to get in and woke up!

Opening the Door to Abundance

The collision of new and old–frequencies of abundance and frequencies of fear of abundance were both simultaneously activated in a huge way. On waking I could feel the abundance of that which was offered to me–that which I had, despite my fears, accepted.

In THIS reality, I did not feel the paranoia and fear as I had so acutely experienced in the alternate reality from which I had just returned. But I was now awakened to the many palpable thoughtforms that create obstacles to abundance–where I have outright rejected abundance as an illegitimate scam.

So as of today I have a new thoughtform to hold onto–to write myself a check everyday, for the rest of my life… It feels pretty darn good! You might want to play with that one too.  😉

Sacred Awakening Series

I would invite you to join me in attending the free teleconference series beginning February 17 called the Sacred Awakening Series. 40 global spiritual leaders are offering their time and teaching for free. We’re in for a feast.

Teleseminars will happen Mon-Thursdays at 5:30 pm Pacific, noon Fridays, and 10 a.m. on Saturdays, and will be recorded and available to listen online at a later time as well.

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For more information and to register to attend some or all conferences in the series go to:

www.sacredawakeningseries.com

“May this series bring great blessings to your life and to our world. May it help us recognize the sacred beauty of our lives and help us each fulfill our highest destiny.”

In spirit,
Stephen Dinan
Founder, The Shift Network

Special Sponsor Offers – We are blessed to have fantastic organizations sponsoring this event.  I wanted to share about some of these groups below, with links to some special offers for Sacred Awakening participants.

Our Co-Sponsors (and some special invitations):

Thanks to our partners at Gaia Community, an online sanctuary of nearly 300,000 seekers, artists, and visionaries committed to inspiring and empowering each other to live lives of purpose and authenticity, and at Gaia Soulmates, a dating site for singles seeking a partner who shares their values of spiritual awareness and personal inquiry. (Join Soulmates today and receive a FREE MP3 to help attract more love into your life!)

Unity has declared 2010 as the Year of the Twelve Powers. Each month, they will be exploring one of the twelve spiritual gifts or “Powers” defined by Unity’s co-foudner Charles Fillmore. They invite you on a year-long spiritual journey to discover how to put these Powers to work and create the life of your dreams: Unity Website


MaestroConference is a key partner for us, offering a platform that allows us to bring dynamic group dynamic group interactions to the calls – an essential aspect of learning!  It’s definitely the next level of online learning with applications in business, non-profit, learning, grassroots, and more: MaestroConference Website Building on their technology, they’ve also created MaestroPath, a powerful program to empower trailblazers with group coaching, learning and support.  They’re offering a special of 6 months for the price of 2 to Sacred Awakening participants:

The Shift Movie – The movie being made by a movement! We can’t wait for this movie to be completed. Watch the fantastic trailer, share with friends, and contribute to helping complete the movie (which gets your name in credits). The Shift Movie Website

The Global Alliance for Transformational Entertainment is a powerful new group that brings together a remarkable array of Hollywood insiders and independent media professionals who want to create more enlightening media. Their website is still to come but pay attention to this emerging alliance. The GATE Website

Philosopher’s Notes: Get the biggest ideas from 100 of the most influential books on personal growth — giving you more wisdom in less time! Philosopher’s Notes Website

The Center for Sacred Studies is a non-profit organization dedicated to sustaining indigenous ways of life through cross-cultural spiritual practices, ministry and education, and a commitment to peace and unity for all peoples. They sponsor the International Council of Thirteen Grandmothers and feature a two-year ministry training. The Center for Sacred Studies Website

Intention Media Purposeful Entertainment Achieving Global Change. Now Available on DVD: The award winning film featuring Amit Goswami “The Quantum Activist” Come join the revolution. Available at Intention Media Website.

Intent aspires to be the most trusted wellness destination for capturing and sharing peoples intentions – personal, social, spiritual and environmental. Intent Website

Spiritual Cinema Circle is the home of uplifting stories that inspire love and compassion, films that connect us with the world around us. They’re proud to have brought the work of more than 100 exciting, new independent filmmakers to the homes of tens of thousands of people around the world. Spiritual Cinema Circle Website

Thanks to our partners at Integrative Spirituality and its online community of 5,500 spiritual explorers and visionaries who are committed to life, spirit, sustainable prosperity and the New Universe Worldview. Sign up today for any online course at their Universe College and get free access, but only until April 3rd! Integrative Spirituality Website

The International Society for the Study of Subtle Energies and Energy Medicine is a world forum for promoting the understanding, exploration, research and application of the energies of consciousness.   A membership organization that serves as an interdisciplinary community of naturally allied individuals and organizations, The ISSSSEEM welcomes healers, teachers, researchers, pioneers and those interested or involved in advancing the fields of subtle energies and energy medicine. ISSSSEEM Website

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