Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Too Often

Too often there’s an emptiness in my dreams (alternate realities) where Anthony is supposed to be. I’ve experienced numerous variations on this theme over the last 8 or 9 months.

In one, I “heard” that our life together was over. We were both very sad, but there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. In others, he was angry with me, felt betrayed or bored and was leaving me. In another there seemed to be someone else in his life that he was leaving me for. In yet another, he had been gone for a while, came back–but not for me, for his ‘stuff,’ seeming to take pleasure in rubbing my nose in letting me know he was not coming back to me.

Oddly none of that seemed to affect me. I had no sense of feeling betrayed, or embarrassed, or remorseful. I had no anger, only sadness and disbelief. But  always there is this tremendous emptiness. In every reality, it does not seem possible after more than 20 years (and how many lifetimes?) that what we have could truly be ‘gone.’

This feeling hangs over me once again today in this reality as I deal with another possible way of losing him–through illness. We wait once more for another biopsy report and pray that it too will be negative. He has made it very clear that he would not have surgery again, and my fear has been that he would give up.

And as I remember past lives (alternate timelines/ parallel realities) where I have left him, hurt and alone, callous to his (her) feelings, I suspect that it may be part of the balancing process–one in which he chooses to leave, but still with much love between us.

Advertisements

2 Comments»

  tasinator wrote @

My positive energies to you both, and I hope that things have a good outcome for you.

  shamballa9944 wrote @

Thank you very much tas! It means a lot.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: