Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for March, 2010

Sedona 2010

First full day in Sedona and feeling fine. It didn’t come the moment we entered Red Rock Country. In fact I was rather sadden by the large amount of dead trees, scorched mountain sides and natural devestation I saw when driving in yesterday. It reawakened the feeling I’ve had before that the energies of Sedona have shifted significantly from when I first began visiting in the 80’s.

This troubled me again this morning, even while I questioned my focus as the culprit rather than Sedona itself.

At the same time though I realized that I was having a lot of insights into seemigly incongruous thoughts. This alone can certainly be attributed to where I am also.

Exquisite Transitions

So in no particular order, more by way of a record of the thoughts and activities that I will be following for the coming days:

1. Reading more in this book on energy vampires due to work related situations that I recognized in the 2 weeks before I left.  (happily though a very POSITIVE book without the judgement and accompanying paranoia typical of discussions on the subject)

2. Did a couple of meditiations today and found myself going deep very quickly.

3. Saw and met Dr. Angel Light feather yesterday. Intend to get aura photo taken with reading. Maybe get A. to do it too. 😉

4. Realize that the joy I feel comes primarily from observing others being happy and feeling joy. Perhaps this is why I have felt so little joy for such a long time, and that I have been saying that April and Amber (my kitties) ARE my joy! Now I am able to enjoy A’s joy at being here too! I hope he will be able to take that joy for living back to NY in a couple of weeks.

5. So with that thought, I also wonder whether experiencing joy (surge of energy) when others are happy and feeling joy is a form of energy vampirism?? Yikes. Don’t know. Or is it tapping into a universal energy. Sounds better–I’d certainly like to think so, but I want to rule out a lower form of energy gain on my part before I leave here!

6. This vacation is a transition time for me. That feeling is very clear. Transition to what is unclear. Nor do I believe it will necessarily be immediately apparent when we return. My first hint at this was when I arrived at work on Friday, my last day before vacation…and my odometer reached 99,000 exactly.  This is highly indicative of endings/completion.

7. I can’t remember the last time I came here and I was so clear on issues I wanted to clarify, clear and move beyond. I feel like I have goals, but there is no pressure, no “agenda,” just a knowing that these questions are before me to be answered and ready me for the next phase, whatever that may be.

Who is this strange person??

I don’t recognize me! Not because I don’t look the same, but because I don’t react as I used to. Of course a number of things that have been happening wouldn’t have happened to “the old me,” at least not with the frequency they are happening now.

In the last 3 months I’ve lost a brand new pair of prescription glasses, had 2 encounters with black ice, one where my car hit the guard rail, the other where my head hit the car and then the pavement. And just tonight I realized I can’t find $300 that I had set aside for our trip, just yesterday.

Coming or Going?

Now any one of these would have had me beating myself up endlessly in the past. The truth is I am not one to lose things as a rule. But then nothing is as it once was, and it feels like things are “disappearing on me.” Here one moment, gone the next. Perhaps this is what makes it easier for me to let it go, shrug my shoulders and say “Oh well.”

Mind you, money is tight so losing new glasses, having to pay a deductible on a car repair or outright “dematerialize” cash is not something trivial to me. But what I am finding even more astonishing than all these occurrences is my response to them. It’s not mental, or an intellectual exercise–from the truest part of me I can say “Oh well,” and just let it be what it is. Maybe this is what it feels like to detach from things, from money, from perceived value?

And I must say, as someone who has been very attached in the past, probably obsessively so, it feels “like easy come, easy go.” This is particularly strange because it hasn’t really been coming easy at all! I have been working extremely hard for the little I make. Yet, it still feels like “easy come, easy go.”

Maybe, just maybe, it is really: easy go, easy come. I’ve experienced the easy go (as in, I will not stress over it going), so just maybe its time for the easy come now too. LOL. I’ll let you know! 😉

Party Line

Every now and then when my Mom or Dad call I hear another voice briefly before the call is truly connected. They use a service which enables them to make long distances calls for less than a penny a minute, so it may have something to do with that, or with my VoIP service.

Combing the Lines of Communication--Just Where Do They Begin and End??

As it happens every so often I don’t usually think much of it. Tonight however was rather different. First, the phone rang a couple of times before I could answer and I heard nothing.  I figured it went to voicemail. I tried to call them back without success.

A moment later the phone rang again, and the caller ID said it was my folks calling, however I clearly heard a young woman saying in German, “I just wanted to tell you that your (answering) machine isn’t working right…,” and then I hear my Mother’s voice saying can you hear me now?

And the very next thing my mother said was, I think there is a problem with your (answering) machine,  only she said it in English.  I must say I was dumbstruck!

Impressions flooded my mind as my mom spoke about mundane things… how usually the voice is male… is that when my Dad is on the line?… what are the odds…? Could this be an alternate reality?? Am I hearing my mother’s thought?

Despite my awareness of parallel timelines or alternate realities, like so many of us, I still fall into the assumption that an occurrence like this is simply a third dimensional one–crossed connections of the electronic kind.

Well, it may well be that, but it is just as likely at this point in our reality, as dimensions and realities merge and shift, that these experiences are anything but third dimensional! You can count on my paying far closer attention to the “extra voices” on the party line going forward!

This is Who I Am

Please check out my new anthem.

This Is Who I Am Lyrics

I spend my life
Trying to do things right
but all I do is fall to my face with my hands on my head so many times

but then I learnt,after being burnt
to get back up, push straight on, stop the tears,
people move on onn.

Well it’s alright to be myself
Now I’ve Learned To Stand
Well its OK to be just who I am
I’ve spent years really hating me

longing to be friends (friends)
Now I hope that you can

This Is Who I Am

{Verse 2}
Now when life gets tough
I’m quick to hurry up
I run all day
I run through the night
I’ll break down walls, I’ll hit up high

I don’t care if I’m fat,
Or if you think my clothes are bad
Yet i can go to sleep at night I’m a good person and I’ll get by, I!!

Well it’s alright to be myself,
Now I’ve Learned To Stand
Well its OK to be just who I am

I’ve spent years really hating me
longing to be friends (friends)
Now I hope that you can understand,

This Is Who I Am

{Verse 3}
I need someone, someone someone, someone like me

You deserve, deserve, deserve to be free

Because your world keeps spinning
And your trapped in it

Well it’s alright to be myself,
Now I’ve Learned To Stand

Well its OK to be just who I am!
I’ve spent years really hating me
longing to be friends (friends)

Now I hope that you can understand

This Is Who I Am

yyeaaahhhhhh, yeah yeah

This is who I am!

Oh, take a breather this is who I ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah Am.

Ain’t synchronicity grand?

Under Attack – Part 2 & 3

Ironically while I have been endlessly lauded since beginning my job last May, not long afterward I have also been criticized for not being deferential enough to the “professionals” and on occasion, to clients. The focus has been primarily when I am highly stressed, that I become short with people (true).

However it also has been a focus that where I step forward when I see people crossing boundaries (including those agreed by the powers that be), that I defend those boundaries with insufficient “kindness.” To me that seems like an oxymoron. What am I missing?

So coffee is the answer?

So Coffee is the Answer???

And perhaps that’s the point. Part 1 of being under attack for me is focused on undermining my sense of self. I have long focused on improving myself, reflecting on what the world is saying to me and giving it serious consideration.

Yet at this point I find that while there is truth here, it feels like truth used as a banner for a less high-minded purpose–attacking my core, who I have discovered my Self to be, the good, the bad and sometimes, the ugly. And what I now recognize…I like me, including the bad and ugly. I’m okay not being perfect.

So the jury is out on how much focus I am willing to give those who would have me be less than–less than genuine, less than honest, treating others like  fragile flowers rather than fully formed adults hiding behind well-crafted identities of victimhood. My truth and experience tells me that when you speak to the adult, there is a very good chance the adult will hear and step forward, even if its just for an instant.

But there is a Part 2. That is the whirlwind of competing energies that I contend with that latch onto me. Many clients have given into utter helplessness, some still live with an attitude of entitlement that their circumstances alone should be telling them “dem daze’s ova,” others walk around in a perpetual fog. What seems to tie them all together is the complete inability to see others and what they are experiencing, whether it is other clients, family members or the barista at Starbucks.

This past week after days of being bombarded by dozens of people in endless states of need, topped by a reminder to “be kind,” I escaped in my sneakers for my lunchtime walk as fast as my legs and frustration would move me, only to collapse on a log by the road in tears.

The Crowd

What came up was: “they are sucking the life out of me.” So not for the first time (and not only by me), the notion of energy vampires rose to my awareness. So I began by cutting (energetic) cords, making emphatic declarations that this was completely unacceptable to me and that it was to cease immediately.

I came home and read a lot on the subject, but found much information was more psychological than energetic in nature.  Dissatisfied with it all, I set my intention to awaken with a solution that went beyond what could easily turn into paranoia (not a place I wanted to go).

I awoke remembering a phrase I learned while editing a book several years ago:  “Kadoish, Kadoish, Kadoish, Adonai ‘Tsebayoth” and peace began filling me again.

Under Attack–Part 3

Part 3 is–the gift. In this case, it is the gift I am experiencing and that I anticipate. Not only did I find this wonderful chant on YouTube (below), but I have ordered the CD from which it comes and intend to listen to it a lot on my upcoming vacation. I know on a soul level that it will bring me to another state of being, and for this I am already grateful!

Under Attack – Part 1

It seems everyone is feeling under attack in one way or another. Whether it’s because they were fired, have lost their life’s savings or because the world we were born into has changed completely and, some might say, irreparably.

My Dad is under attack from his own emotional make up and his body, my mom from her awareness that everything she tries to control is in fact beyond her control.

For me it comes from the very purpose I am living out at this moment in time, working were I work, with and around the people I do, challenged to the hilt to remain calm in the center of chaos, under energetic attack. Shortly after I accept this job last May, but before I started, it occurred to me that this job  would place me in the center of the action, with people likely coming at me from all directions. Not exactly ideal for an introvert!

Many who know me might be surprised to know that I am in fact an introvert, as I like to talk, I like people, enjoy working with others and so forth. However doing so, especially in larger numbers, takes an energetic toll on me, which can only be replenished by going within and spending time alone.

So I have stepped up to the challenge, over and over again. As I became able to tolerate the dissonant energies of competing demands of others, while still needing to focus on producing work and staying above the fray, I’ve encounter thresholds that have tested my capacity to remain calm, patient and kind. These last two, patience and kindness, seem to have become lynch pins of late.

While the point of overwhelm has shifted repeatedly, with me being able to handle more and more chaos before reaching my limit, when I do so, it still looks and feels the same:  irritation and impatience. And those that trigger me most are those who are insensitive to others–those who can’t see that someone (me) is inundated and moderate their expectations.

Add to this a boss who comes from a perspective that we must always treat everyone with “kindness” (despite the fact I have seen her treat a number of others very bluntly, as in “unkind.”) Why? Ultimately, because they might be future donors. Because no matter how they treat others, clients or staff, no matter how they take advantage, they should be kowtowed to.

Well, having grown up in a family where boundaries were virtually non-existent and having worked very hard to learn to set and defend them, all this kowtowing is in direct contradiction to what I know I need to do, to maintain my sanity and self-worth.

So here I am, working in a job I (usually) love, helping others–held in high esteem, yet under attack for being who I am.

So I question and doubt, is there more I can do, more I should do? Is it possible to defend my boundaries and always, ALWAYS, be patient and kind?

Perhaps, but for right now at least, I don’t believe I’ve achieved that level of enlightenment.

Tax Brain

Spring is my favorite time of year: the promise of new beginnings, the energy that bubbles up from the very ground we stand upon, the birds announcing each morning that it’s time to wake up from the winter doldrums. There is only one man-made fly in the ointment, at least in the US…TAX TIME.

While for much of my adult life I had no problem doing my own taxes, even when things became more complex. Yet there came a time when doing so taxed my brain more than the government taxed my income! I found that as I moved more and more into following my spirit, listening to my inner knowing, I simply could not wrap my head around sorting through a year’s worth of numbers. And this from someone who prepared payrolls for many years.

Making the Right Brain to Left Brain Transition

So I hired an accountant. He was wonderful and very organized, which very much resonates with who I am. And for several years my “tax brain” was still sufficiently engaged to pull the necessary information together easily. For the last 5 or 6 years however my favorite time of year has also held this dread of having to pull all this data together, knowing if I didn’t do it right, it would cost me.

In that first year or two after my tax brain died, I struggled enormously to remember how I did what I used to do with such ease. Let’s just say I barely scraped by! By the third year I procrastinated so much (very uncharacteristic of me), at the same time praying that I could get my brain together enough to pull this information together. Lo’ and behold, one day in early April I had a surge of left-brain energy and was able to pull the data together with relative ease.

Putting the Pieces Together

While I still think tax season still is the ruination of the best time of year, and I still feel this task hang over me from early January on, I have come to learn that by following my own energy, and trusting that in the proper moment, my tax brain will re-ignite long enough to do what I need.

Yesterday I spent 5 hours pulling this information together. Even with Quicken and well-organized records, there are simply so many details that if overlooked will cost. What’s funny is that in the grips of my left-brain glory, I actually enjoyed the way the pieces would come together, check and cross-check, the sense of accomplishment and “correctness,” as my mother would say–until my tax brain gave out.

Everything to that point had checked correctly each and every time, until just about at the finish line, not one but two errors were apparent. I spent a minute or two attempting to correct the errors, which were simple ones, but I just couldn’t see the numbers I was looking for! It’s like someone erased them from the pages–gone!

I was seeing my tax brain rapidly fall asleep. So I packed it in, knowing that in the morning I could easily correct the errors, be done with this annual ritual and go on to welcome Spring with joy and freedom from this third dimensional obligation. Whew!

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