Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for November, 2010

No Denying It!

I have been dealing with a woman at work for about 9 months now, who is seen by all as an albatross, but getting rid of her is very difficult as she “would rather fight than switch.” In other words, she would sue.

Friday afternoon, I was finishing a project of video taping numerous people for a presentation to be shown at an upcoming event. The last person was this woman in question. Sitting 3 feet away from her I was utterly appaulled at what I saw/heard/felt! Despite the pretext of what was supposed to come off as complimentary, what exuded from every cell of her was anger and hatred. She was lost within her own sphere of self-delusion and I was shaken to my core. It was never clearer to me than it was in that moment, and I’ve had my share of direct attacks, how blatantly she was broadcasting all of it! Whew, still reeling at bit when I think of it.

I am always reluctant to label anyone in such a negative manor. But there was no question and no denying what I recognized with every cell of my being–inspite of my resistance to seeing anyone as dark! Thanks to Denise Le Fay’s most recent post which allowed me to acknowledge that I can trust my senses, despite my preference not to see others so utterly steeped in the dark.

Is it any wonder?


Progress Report

Last night’s sleep state was something of a progress report for me. This actually comes on the heels of an important waking recognition.

On Thursday evening I suddenly became aware of just why I felt so good about where I work. All the usually sited reasons apply: purposeful, greatly appreciated by clients and co-workers alike. Good balance between meaningful work and playful moments where we can have fun–just being a bit lighthearted, even in the midst of very difficult circumstances. What I recognized, however, was that for the first time ever I found myself in a support role in which I was an equal!

I have been in support roles for a good portion of my work life, and in managerial roles for even longer. I vastly prefer support roles to managing people. It better suits my temperament and well-being. In my current situation, I realized, that I am truly regarded as an equal. I have certainly felt myself to be an equal since I returned to supportive roles in 2007, thanks to a healthy sense of self and accomplishment. And while I garnered respect for my skill, knowledge and abilities I wasn’t in the other positions long enough, or perhaps it was the people and the organizations, but I was not regarded as an “equal.”

Not that I simply fell into this scenario in my current position, I certainly earned it, but even this is a tremendously rare experience, at least at this point in human history. I certainly hope that it is a glimpse of things to come.

In fact to take it a step further, the support role is analagous to the feminine aspect, compared to the masculine leadership roles, in which I also include specialist/professional roles. And for the first time, I am experiencing truly equal status with the entire staff.  Granted some may still experience flashes of intellectually-based elitism, however what comes across to me on a feeling level is an acceptance and appreciation that my contributions are equally vital to the success of our mission. What an immense feeling this is!


So on the heels of this recognition, I had some sleep state realizations last night as well. First I found myself very happily in the new vehicle I’ve been desiring. Shortly after however I was pulled over by a meter maid who told me I needed to get new plates. While I thought I simply needed to change the plates from my current vehicle, which are personalized and reflect who I have been for a good 10 years, I realized for the first time that this new vehicle must reflect my current identity. Don’t ask me what that is at this point–I haven’t a clue :D, but at least now I will be alert and not assume that simply transferring from one car/life for another without changing “it all” will do.

Immediately after this new awareness I found myself once again working on my sleep-time mission of downloading information and producing a report of some sort. For the first time I recall that I am in fact making progress. Whereas before when I began to remember my recurring dreams, I only had a pull to “get to this work” that always seemed to be on the backburner.

Not long after, I became aware that these dreams were actually reflecting a spiritual mission and the specialized computer was relocated into an otherwise empty, modern building, despite the computer itself being ancient, and both the computer and required database were cleansed and optimized.

Last night I became fully aware that not only had the report been downloading for a while, it was almost ready to be printed. I also realized that this is only the first of at least two reports. At this particular time at least, I cannot download and print simultaneously, but it does seem I am on the verge of finally seeing something of this report that I am to be working with–very exciting, even though in this moment I haven’t a clue as to what I need to do with it when I actually have it in front of me.  I suppose that will be clear when it needs to be also. And I’m thinking that I will then have a better sense of what my new license plate should say 😉


On Hold… but Happy :)

A fellow blogger was sweet enough to inquire if I was alright recently, as I’ve been rather quiet here. I’ve been feeling like I just don’t have much to say at the moment. It’s either that or I’ve been sharing them in the moment with folks I work with and the moment’s over 😉 . Or I’ve been telling myself I don’t have any interesting insights or experiences to share. [Partially true.]

Well, what I have been thinking for quite some time, all though it didn’t sound like anything “post-worthy,” I feel like life is on hold. There are many things I’d like to do, as it relates to my home, going back to school, writing.., but I am always left with a feeling, there are so many things up in the air, I don’t want to start something without having a clearer sense of what the next bend in the road will bring. I’ve been feeling indecisive for the first time in my life. It seems that what I want changes by the hour. So I ride the waves of fluctuating (un)certainty and try not to get whiplash along the way.

My parents are elderly–Dad turns 90 in 2 weeks! Their health is in decline, and my concerns for them are on the increase. I feel like any day my life can be turned upside down and my husband, the kitties and I may have to pick up and move in with them (or more likely, one of them).

My job is wonderful, but very likely to end 6/30 of next year, as the grant is out and is not likely to be extended again. I am interviewing for another job, however that process is going very slowly, and I question whether it is really the right job for me.

In this recent interview process I have come to learn still more about myself, and what is important to me in the arena of “work.” Many things were very clear from the get-go: a harmonious work environment, good group of people who share mutual respect, as well as not taking life and work too seriously–meaning, they know how to have fun too. A good balance of work skills, as in working with people, but also to have responsibilities that are independent of dealing with people. (I need to have some time a way from others, in order to rebalance myself.)

And I like being responsible for things, like office equipment, supplies, technology and the like, vs people who are so darn fickle, and get under my skin if they lack a good work ethic. That’s one of the things I recalled recently when thinking about my days as an HR Manager years ago. Don’t want it! Ruins my day. I love not caring if Sally comes in late or not…not my problem 😉 Doesn’t bother me unless I am waiting for something from her to do what I need to do!

And at the top of my list, probably because these other things were a “given” for me, was a stress-free commute. I’ve been very fortunate in that way for the last several years, and it makes a HUGE difference in my life.

But I digress. My apologies. What I’d really like to say is that I’m in a really good place these days, even with some dissatisfaction about things within my home that I’d like to replace or update, lack of space etc. I look forward to going to work, every day. And likewise, I look forward to coming home, every night. It feels like a very good balance! At work I exercise my skills, competencies and receive in exchange appreciation and acknowledgment.  At home I come back into my own, enjoy my husband and my girls and it feels like a whole ‘nother day in a way. Each joy-filled and balanced in their own right.

The sense of imminent change surrounds me. There is much I want to change, and much I know will change at some point. But for now, my life is on hold. Thankfully I am very content. Perhaps that is the part of me that is holding change at bay: I don’t want to lose the happy balance I now have.

Don't Upset the Balance, Please

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