Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for esoteric

Sinking Into Neutral – (Part II)

I stand on the precipice of a monumental energy change, another exquisite transition, yet clueless as I approached the drop off…whooosh!

Dichotomy all around me! Finally manifesting my overwhelming dream to have a home to build my life within…with outdoor space (which I do not have now), only to suddenly recognize I’m confusing physical comfort and spiritual ease with the long-held “spiritual feel” of my home.

As I sink into neutral, feeling into the spaces of my new home, painted in navy blue, light grays, and mossy greens, with fixtures a deep bronze,  I mentally escape to the porch! Both Honey and I have been mentally getting away to our soon-to-be porch, breathing deeply, sinking into peaceful beingness and the sense of “ahhhh…” [And what are the colors which surround us there? Deep, rich green everywhere, blue, lavender and rose colored slate tiles which make up its foundation, and crisp white ceiling and rails which encircle us…] Will this be enough?? Can I live within the moss, navy, grays and bronze tones?

Is this what I’m supposed to be moving toward???

As I’ve contemplate this impending move and settling into a new home, I’ve begun to recognize the need to bring ME into the space. Part of bring ME is bringing my colors and sensibilities. Clearly there is a degree of integration with the deep earth tones which are too expensive to change (like the new heavy slab granite in the kitchen), but I’m coming to recognize that is the challenge for me… integrating ME, my energy and colors, with the grounded, earthy tones and frequencies, that to some degree I may have been resisting for quite some time.

For those of you who may be reading this and think I’m just speaking about decorating, please step back and recognize that this is merely an outer manifestation of the shifting vibrational frequencies of great change.

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Sinking Into Neutral… (Part I)

You just have no idea!

My life has done a 180 in 6 weeks time!! I went from chronic exhaustion to boundless energy for a multi-verse of major life changes–simultaneously! And I can still laugh, and talk and joke and seem to be able to handle it all.

Every step along the way has had its miracle, has created a spiritual thesis of sorts, handling this multi-verse of experiences pretty much in tact–by trusting, by feeling the signs, and being able to instantly suss out the next best action to spin into motion… until another sign comes along.

And now I have had an awakening that I’ve been feeling bubbling up for several days: I’m sinking into neutral…and I feel like I’m suffocating.  A literal embodiment of buying a new home which is “upgraded with neutrals.” While I can see beauty in them, I feel they draw the life energy from me!

So this evening I stand in my pastel blue,  lavender and white bathroom, thinking about my lavender-white colored living room, and deep green and white bedroom balanced with a wood clad wall… I recognize the ethereal space I created here which I loved…but have also been suffocating in (size and breadth)… and what I’ve been feeling for days and hit me full force tonight…after years of relentless inner craving for a larger home and outdoor space…I have one, just like that…and I’m surrounded by earth-tones. (Gasp!)

For days my husband I have been talking about how to make it our own…and even he expressed the desire to paint our new bedroom the same color as we’ve had it for years! And as I contemplate the changes I’d like to make to this room and that…I begin to question, am I supposed to be bringing that energy to the new house? Some how I feel…No. Yet that is not what my ego wants!  What? My ego?? Really??? I’m not seeing how in this moment…but I feel that is truth.

Okay,  now I’m confused!

Did I say “an Upgrade to NEUTRAL”????? ! Are you/Am I saying that the mass’ love affair with Neutral is an Upgrade?? Now I don’t mean to offend, but I have long felt strongly (really, STRONGLY?…could be ego…hhmmm) that Neutral has a low vibrational frequency. This is going to take me quite a while to feel my way through!!!

And the curriculum for tonight is…

Something quite interesting has been going on. It seems I’m undergoing some sort of “orientation” into other realms in the last week or so.

I have long been aware of “attending” various classes or seminars during sleep state, and periodically have some recall of this. Lately however there has been greater recall about the nature of the curriculum. Several nights ago I was paired with someone and we were in a realm of instantaneous experience of our thoughts and “words.” Nothing was “taught” in a traditional sense. We just noticed how things responded to our thoughts and after two or three such experiences it became clear to us that we were in this “special” realm. A label is unimportant to me, but I did enjoy the ability to simply think something into existence.

Then I expressed the thought: “I wonder how long they will let us play here.” That’s when I woke up. I realize upon reflection that this thought had an underlying doubt that I could simply continue to be here, that it was going to “end”–and so it did. Point made–lesson learned!

Last night was far more powerful however. While I don’t recall much detail, I was on some kind of experiential course in which every experience/ lesson was an exquisite orientation to a specific human emotion. It was pure, clear and like an experiential dictionary of human emotions. There was no judgment of any emotion–it simply was. Through each experience there was recognition of something I knew, yet it was as if this was the very first time I experienced it!

 

Just Feel It

 

At one point I woke as I had to go to the bathroom. I was so disoriented in the physical realm, I clearly felt that much of my consciousness was elsewhere and the sensations were clearly not of this realm. I was fascinated and pleased, and wanted to go back and explore more of this experiential “handbook” for being human.

Looking forward to discovering what tonight’s curriculum is!

Circling Around

So I’ve been having this series of dreams for many months now, ones in which my husband returns after long periods of being AWOL, or ones in which I’m in the midst of one of these periods where he is gone, when I’m truly feeling the loss. There were times when he taunted me with his disdain, and other times when he took for granted that it would be okay with me to simply “return” as if he’d never been away. Anger, hurt and deep loss have been prominent emotions for me during this series. I have come to see these dreams as tapping into alternate aspects of myself and my husband that I am integrating into my consciousness–painful though they are. Several nights ago things went a step further.

This time I knew my husband had a one night stand or brief fling with a younger woman, although I also knew that this was not someone he cared about. I was livid! I reacted violently towards him, scratching, beating, clawing at him…whatever I could do. Then, this girl showed up–with pictures! I grabbed them and looked at them (calmly, oddly enough) and wouldn’t let my husband see them. I ripped them up, then ripped into the girl.

As I was taking my scorn out on each of them I seemed to get a visual in front of me as to how I was injuring each on an energetic basis. It wasn’t really about physical injury. Neither fought back. Neither protested.

FURY!

Upon waking I reflected for quite sometime on this “newest” alternate reality. It wasn’t until hours later that I was struck by the lingering “difference” that I was aware of in these dreams. In each of them my husband was at least 20 years younger, and far more cavalier towards me. What’s more I suddenly “knew” that in these dreams, I was his FIRST wife, whereas now, I am his second wife.

And yes, I must confess that I was with him before his marriage completely dissolved, and that I witnessed him treat his first wife in a way that I often times felt was insensitive, even hurtful (although nothing as blatant as I experienced in my dream).

So here I am, witnessing and participating in the same dynamic, taking on the other role and venting my wrath. And I am led to wonder if the physical issues that I went through 11 years ago, and that my husband struggled with for the last two are a result of this coming full circle, reaping the (self-inflicted) energetic and physical injuries that I inflicted on this “other woman.” No judgment about it, but it certainly gives me pause…

Sunlight Through the Pouring Rain

A rainy, peaceful day in New York today. I woke relishing the calm cleansing rain, which harmonized gloriously with my intention to nurture my need to clear myself and my space of the week(s) passed. No pressure, just flowing with each moment.

This evening I was guided to read my friend Sheryl’s blog on the energy of the day: December 12, 2010 — 12/12/10. I was very much aware of the date and the significance, but was more focused on simplying doing what was essential for me to do for myself. Turns out they were very much one and the same. Please read the Spirit Speaks post here: 12- 12 Special Offer.

While I didn’t wake up with an abundance of energy, I did have an intention to be gentle with myself all day and do as I felt guided to do. I was led to continue the reorganization and cleaning of my desk area at home, got rid of several things which serve no purpose any more, and was guided to put this lovely, rhinestoned picture frame…that was ladden with dust…to perfect use.

When I looked at it I knew…I need to make it my “vision board” to anchor in the house and the car that I have recognized to “be me.” Sounds very materialistic, I know. And yet there’s a feeling to it of manifesting “me” FULLY into the world. A car that completely reflects who I am, and a home that supports my spiritual and emotional needs: expansiveness AND coziness, light and joyfulness.

My dreams of late have been directly addressing being willing to receive, and in fact, being willing to stand up for what is rightly mine. No emotion to it–just standing up for me.

After making this inspiring and magically vision board (in a 5″ x 7″ frame) I took a nap. In this dream I was receiving bids on this house, seeming to work for the realtor. Although I knew I’d get a commission if it sold, I knew that more than the commission, I wanted the house.

No emotional attachment to the money itself; deep attachment to the experience of finding the perfect expression of my frequency to live within and to move through the world in.

Being guided to read Sheryl’s piece tonight awakened me to the significance of what happened today, like sunlight through the pouring rain 🙂 Everything was already here. The dream today, and the other truly powerful ones I’ve been having the last week or so…all these experiences powerful unto themselves, but some how I felt them to be too insignificant to share. As Denise La Fey writes about in her recent posts, there are many ways in which the Dark can confront the growing Light–it seems, one of them is to convince you its not that big a deal.

Thank you Ladies for helping me see the rain, enjoy the rain, and see the Light through it All.

Side note: when going online to find an appropriate image of “sunlight through the rain” the first images that came up were this:

precisely where our Home awaits...

Reminder to Self: Feeling Drained? Take it Literally!!

I don’t know how often I need to learn this lesson, but of course to lessen the self-recrimination, this 3D drama comprised a lot of “firsts” for me, so it is kind of understandable that I might not automatically think about being energetically ‘drained.’

After many months of deteriorating health complications post-cancer surgeries, my husband who stubbornly second guesses the doctors and at the same time tells me he’s not having surgery ever again, I finally arranged to bring him to the ER of the hospital where his surgeon operates out of.  He was admitted, found to have a massive infection, blocked and enlarged kidneys and bladder, and just a sordid mess. High drama, high emotion, heart-to-heart talks, he finally consents to another dreaded surgery. Whew.

So after months of watching him grow weaker and weaker, less and less capable of even the smallest things, dreading the surgery decision he will be forced to make, and terrified that he will stick to his promise to never do that again, I am at the brink of emotional collapse.

To reach a point where, with his permission and gratitude (!) I finally am in direct touch with 3 of 4 of his team of doctors, I am able to get a consensus that he needs to be hospitalized. After numerous phone calls, they finally agree on which hospital to bring him to, then I must take charge and tell him get up, we’re going to the ER–yes, now–certainly took a lot of my own energy reserves!

Energy Vampire

Getting him to see that the choices he’s been making over and over have consistently taken him on a road to declining health, and letting him know that I cannot fight for him any longer if he isn’t willing to choose health for himself–that I will just have to back off and contend with the heartache of watching him suffer and die. This ultimately left him to make a choice to live, and consent to surgery. It was equally important to me that he made the decision to have surgery, to choose health, for himself, not for me, which he did. He got all the questions answered that he needed, he had plenty of time before surgery to think about it and change his mind if he wished to. By the time surgery time came, he was begging to be knocked out because he could not take any more pain….oy! Not easy to be around.

So it’s easy to see with all this drama why I could just pass off my exhaustion on the tension, stress, adrenalin rushes, long hours, driving back and forth into the city, questions, conversations with multiple doctors, dealing with nurses, aides, family, friends, bills, and emotions, why no amount of sleep could reverse my exhaustion! After all, even though this hospital drama has been going on for 9-10 days, what has led to this has been going on for months.

DING, DING, DING, DING, DING!!

So this morning, once again waking up exhausted, it finally hit me: he’s draining my energy! OMG, of course! I couldn’t be angry; I wasn‘t angry. Of course he’d look to me for “strength.” People say and do that all the time, particularly at a time like this. When I realized that it wasn’t just my physical presence that he clung to, or my emotional strength and mental clarity he counted on, it was my energy he was feeding off of… well, now the bells were ringing loudly!

So right then and there I decided, no more! No one had my permission to leach my energy, not even my DH. I lay down and scanned my field clearing “cobwebs” and then proceeded to remove several tubes which were draining off energy. I then focused on rebuilding my own reserve until it was at full strength, and reinforcing my auric field with an intention that it was impenetrable to those who would consciously or unconsciously seek to tap into my energy field.

Despite previous experiences using these techniques, I was still shocked at the profoundly remarkable energetic transformation! For the first time in MONTHS I felt more like myself. I had more energy than I had, certainly since he’d been in the hospital, and likely for many months before that! So much so that after spending 5 hours with him, plus the driving back and forth, I still had enough energy to do a few errands!

Also very interesting for me was being able to sustain this protective energy shield without compromising the love and care that I would freely shower upon him. I was consciously aware at one point as I sat next to him and held his hand for a while as we both closed our eyes, that I would allow energy to pass from my hand to his, without having my whole system exposed.

So once again I make a note to self: “Self! If you are feeling drained… Stop the drain! You are allowing it. Recharge, reinforce and remember!”

Maybe next time it wouldn’t take me quite so long…one can hope! LOL.

Physical Recoil Transfigured

The sight of a dead animal by the side of the road, a wrecked car, even an uprooted tree is likely to cause a gut wrenching recoil for most people. In all likelihood, most of us instantly start imagining what happened, or what might have happened, that it could have been us or a loved one. We may well feel profound sadness or intense outrage. These seem particularly prevalent when the death (or injury) is a violent one. This is what I encountered recently when I repeatedly came upon a series of dead birds. As I wrote in my previous posting, Messages of Exquisite Transition, I came to recognize that they messages were truly divine ones, that I may well have completely missed due to an inbred reaction to death.

Once I recognized that something was happening on an exceptionally deep level, I made an instant connection with profound inner work that I had done some ten years ago. Late in 1999 I was unexpectedly diagnosed, on the operating table, with ovarian cancer. I awakened to learn that the doctors had found cancer and I was given a complete hysterectomy. I was able to process the physical healing from the surgery, the side effects of chemotherapy, and the mental healing from this news and all its ramifications in the weeks and months that followed this development.

What was most difficult for me to integrate was the absolute finality of the reality that I would never be a mother. I tried desperately to pursue adoption, however ultimately my husband confessed that even under these circumstances he could not in good conscience adopted when he felt that he would never be able to feel 100% that an adopted child was his. When I finally accepted this, I was left with the gut wrenching realization that despite a lifelong assumption that I would certainly be a mother, it was not to be.

I tried everything I knew to resolve this loss. I would peel away a layer here, and another there, yet the feeling ran exceptionally deep. Ultimately I was able to identify with the part of myself, the part of all of us, that at a species level, installed this drive, this instinct if you will, into our cells, within our very DNA, in order to insure the perpetuation of human kind. Whoa. That was huge! And it took doing that, in order to release the grip of that cellular programming to vastly reduce this instinctive desire.

So here I am once again, faced with the recognition of an instinctive reaction–this time, to death. Only this time the work was minimal. As I recognized it was the same dynamic, it was nearly instantaneous for me to release this stranglehold of cellular programming. Given I already have the spiritual knowing that death is not something to be feared, but to be embraced as a transition into another form, I merely needed to own that the recoil response to death was chosen by us–as a species in formation–at a time when we needed to preserve an instinctive drive to preserve life at all cost.

And the universe was prepared to test my release of this recoil reaction immediately. As I did my morning walk I was repeatedly guided to take different paths from my usual routine. As I neared the end of my walk I was led directly to a dead bird lying in the middle of the sidewalk, on this “new path” home. This time I walked up and smiled. I blessed the bird, I thanked the universe for this Exquisite Transition showing me divine blessings in all its forms, and I walked the rest of the way home.

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