Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Circling Around

So I’ve been having this series of dreams for many months now, ones in which my husband returns after long periods of being AWOL, or ones in which I’m in the midst of one of these periods where he is gone, when I’m truly feeling the loss. There were times when he taunted me with his disdain, and other times when he took for granted that it would be okay with me to simply “return” as if he’d never been away. Anger, hurt and deep loss have been prominent emotions for me during this series. I have come to see these dreams as tapping into alternate aspects of myself and my husband that I am integrating into my consciousness–painful though they are. Several nights ago things went a step further.

This time I knew my husband had a one night stand or brief fling with a younger woman, although I also knew that this was not someone he cared about. I was livid! I reacted violently towards him, scratching, beating, clawing at him…whatever I could do. Then, this girl showed up–with pictures! I grabbed them and looked at them (calmly, oddly enough) and wouldn’t let my husband see them. I ripped them up, then ripped into the girl.

As I was taking my scorn out on each of them I seemed to get a visual in front of me as to how I was injuring each on an energetic basis. It wasn’t really about physical injury. Neither fought back. Neither protested.

FURY!

Upon waking I reflected for quite sometime on this “newest” alternate reality. It wasn’t until hours later that I was struck by the lingering “difference” that I was aware of in these dreams. In each of them my husband was at least 20 years younger, and far more cavalier towards me. What’s more I suddenly “knew” that in these dreams, I was his FIRST wife, whereas now, I am his second wife.

And yes, I must confess that I was with him before his marriage completely dissolved, and that I witnessed him treat his first wife in a way that I often times felt was insensitive, even hurtful (although nothing as blatant as I experienced in my dream).

So here I am, witnessing and participating in the same dynamic, taking on the other role and venting my wrath. And I am led to wonder if the physical issues that I went through 11 years ago, and that my husband struggled with for the last two are a result of this coming full circle, reaping the (self-inflicted) energetic and physical injuries that I inflicted on this “other woman.” No judgment about it, but it certainly gives me pause…

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4 Comments»

  tasinator wrote @

Very insightful. It appears that you are going through a very energetic learning period right now. Yet, even tho they may be personal lessons, I find the information helpful in my own life. So thanks for posting.

  Slowvelder wrote @

I have similar feeling of karma getting me sometimes – I use it to explain why I was so badly betrayed in my last relationship – because of what I have done in the past…..

  helenaack wrote @

I am reminded of how you felt even when a bird must have died. If your heart goes out to everyone and everything, it is as if you were being empathetic for someone you would not have understood at the time.

It seems to me if a man is unfaithful, there has to be some lack there, No one can own another person, a first wife cannot, nor can any wife or any husband. He had his own reasons, and if he has never treated you as it seemed in the dream. maybe he had reasons for it you never knew about, at the earlier time. I think you have tuned in on something like blame or guilt, which was perhaps assigned toward you, without you knowing the events or reasons behind it.

Still, soul searching, like this, is always good for us, to understand ourselves, and then hopefully others too, painful, but healing.

I had to like what you said. It sounds like your heart reaching out. It is healthy. I am proud of you, as my friend, for writing as you have.

  shamballa9944 wrote @

Thank you all for your support in sharing this. I have no judgment about this, however I am very clear that others may well hold a lot of judgment on it. It means a lot to me that I can share these insights and experiences here, openly 🙂


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