Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for timelines

Burned By the Future

For as long as I can remember I have projected much of my focus into the future. As I grew spiritually I moved from simply fantasizing about it, to using much discussed tools to create the reality I wanted, draw the future in, envisioning, preparing and so forth. All the while I struggled to balance this with living in the now. Yeah, I know… mega contradiction.

There was a time when I had a fair amount of attention on the past, getting stuck on old creations, but I managed to release that years ago. The future though still claimed me, that’s is until about one month ago. I managed to create the ideal future reality that was such a perfect reflection of “me” that it was tailor made. All the pieces were in place, ready to manifest in the now, but for those annoying little details that keep that-there from showing up in this-now.

There were signs all along that at the very least, this (as in ‘now’) is not the time for that particular reality to be. Then last month I was forced to face the facts that these realities were not going to intersect, not in this-now. The hammer fell, once, twice, and then again, that the “reality” of this-here and this-now was going to prevail. This was a very, very hard pill to swallow, as this future-now felt perfect-for-me (at least according to my ego-self). The final blow came the night before my birthday with devastating finality. The result for me was less depressing and more numbing–now what? [Interesting phrase, “NOW what?”] Exactly!

Since then I have been left floating in NOW what. Whenever any residual pull to projecting ahead tempts me, I feel the sting of rejection, for lack of a better word, so very profoundly, that I pull back out of sheer self-preservation–forced by my recent pain reflexes to back away from any attempts to project into a future — self-created or not. So the NOW has won — perhaps by default, perhaps through the wisdom of my Celestial Self whom I consciously chose to fully embody and put in charge of ‘my’ life just before the hammer banged my ideal future into the ground. (I realize I’m really mixing my metaphors here, but just go with it 😉 )

I am comforted by the knowing that living in the NOW is truly the only way to LIVE — it’s just new for me, to feel cut off from that which has been my steady diet — a diet of creating, envisioning, and living in my head…

SIGH… For NOW, that is over.

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Circling Around

So I’ve been having this series of dreams for many months now, ones in which my husband returns after long periods of being AWOL, or ones in which I’m in the midst of one of these periods where he is gone, when I’m truly feeling the loss. There were times when he taunted me with his disdain, and other times when he took for granted that it would be okay with me to simply “return” as if he’d never been away. Anger, hurt and deep loss have been prominent emotions for me during this series. I have come to see these dreams as tapping into alternate aspects of myself and my husband that I am integrating into my consciousness–painful though they are. Several nights ago things went a step further.

This time I knew my husband had a one night stand or brief fling with a younger woman, although I also knew that this was not someone he cared about. I was livid! I reacted violently towards him, scratching, beating, clawing at him…whatever I could do. Then, this girl showed up–with pictures! I grabbed them and looked at them (calmly, oddly enough) and wouldn’t let my husband see them. I ripped them up, then ripped into the girl.

As I was taking my scorn out on each of them I seemed to get a visual in front of me as to how I was injuring each on an energetic basis. It wasn’t really about physical injury. Neither fought back. Neither protested.

FURY!

Upon waking I reflected for quite sometime on this “newest” alternate reality. It wasn’t until hours later that I was struck by the lingering “difference” that I was aware of in these dreams. In each of them my husband was at least 20 years younger, and far more cavalier towards me. What’s more I suddenly “knew” that in these dreams, I was his FIRST wife, whereas now, I am his second wife.

And yes, I must confess that I was with him before his marriage completely dissolved, and that I witnessed him treat his first wife in a way that I often times felt was insensitive, even hurtful (although nothing as blatant as I experienced in my dream).

So here I am, witnessing and participating in the same dynamic, taking on the other role and venting my wrath. And I am led to wonder if the physical issues that I went through 11 years ago, and that my husband struggled with for the last two are a result of this coming full circle, reaping the (self-inflicted) energetic and physical injuries that I inflicted on this “other woman.” No judgment about it, but it certainly gives me pause…

Too Often

Too often there’s an emptiness in my dreams (alternate realities) where Anthony is supposed to be. I’ve experienced numerous variations on this theme over the last 8 or 9 months.

In one, I “heard” that our life together was over. We were both very sad, but there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. In others, he was angry with me, felt betrayed or bored and was leaving me. In another there seemed to be someone else in his life that he was leaving me for. In yet another, he had been gone for a while, came back–but not for me, for his ‘stuff,’ seeming to take pleasure in rubbing my nose in letting me know he was not coming back to me.

Oddly none of that seemed to affect me. I had no sense of feeling betrayed, or embarrassed, or remorseful. I had no anger, only sadness and disbelief. But  always there is this tremendous emptiness. In every reality, it does not seem possible after more than 20 years (and how many lifetimes?) that what we have could truly be ‘gone.’

This feeling hangs over me once again today in this reality as I deal with another possible way of losing him–through illness. We wait once more for another biopsy report and pray that it too will be negative. He has made it very clear that he would not have surgery again, and my fear has been that he would give up.

And as I remember past lives (alternate timelines/ parallel realities) where I have left him, hurt and alone, callous to his (her) feelings, I suspect that it may be part of the balancing process–one in which he chooses to leave, but still with much love between us.

One week later…

I find it interesting that a week after having experienced that ‘other reality’ car accident, I had a minor one in this reality. While I experienced that one as being hit from behind and pushed into a car in the lane next to me, this one did not involve another car, but an icy road and a guard rail.

I guess you could say it was “half” the experience of the other dimension, as in this reality only my front right side was involved.

Thankfully it’s more of an irritant and an expense than anything else, but it still strikes me as interesting that I had this very vivid experience of some parallel reality, follow a week later by something rather similar.

Waking Life…Dreams for free

Floating through the blogosphere I was directed to this wonderfully fascinating film which I just finished watching.

There’s a lot to take in here. Take the time and you are sure to be triggered many times with thoughts to ponder.

For me, this time one of the lasting references is from Lorca: “As one realizes that one is a dream figure in another persons dream, that is self awareness.”

I’m sure it will impact my dreams ;), maybe yours too.

Jumping around…

So Friday morning I woke up feeling very “out of time.” In fact, I was so disconnected from time that I would read the time on my clock and I couldn’t quite relate. I did not feel like I had enough time to get ready for work if I did my workout, even though it was the same time I get up every morning and always have just enough of time.

I chose not to workout, which turn out to be a good thing as I could not get moving. It seems that I was moving in super slow motion. This lasted for several hours. There was also a sense of general disorientation–like I was just a tad out of phase with the world around me.

I contemplated this on my drive to work (being extra careful given how I was feeling, and my experience on the way home the night before  😉 .) As I sit here for the life of me I can’t recall what my dreams were about before waking, but I do remember there was something about being late for “something.” Of course this is not an unusual dream, but it seems that I woke up in this exact state.

I reflected on the other dreams I’d been having, namely, visiting alternate realities of a seemingly lower vibration, and the fender bender I “felt” the night before. It got me to wondering what it would be like to visit alternate realities of a higher vibration, or to experience a higher vibrational version of me slip into my life.

That’s when it struck me, that if I had “jumped” into such a lower vibrational reality during dream state, perhaps remaining even into the waking state, wouldn’t things seem very dense, very slow? Wouldn’t I feel sluggish? Something about this thought really resonated.

It also got me wondering as to whether dream state is about integrating lower frequencies, and waking state is the opportunity to integrate higher frequencies. With that I consciously gave my permission to higher vibrational frequencies of my own consciousness to integrate within my life.

So we shall see…

Time will tell…!

So Thursday night I’m driving home from work, just getting off the highway when I turn to see if it’s clear to shift into the next lane. It was and I made my move to change lanes, when I see an image in my side view mirror of a car where none was a moment ago. An instant later I “felt” an impression of being hit on the left rear corner of my car, jossling me and sending my right front end into another car. Yet nothing happened. There was no car, no impact, no accident.

And yet, there definitely was! I felt it. I saw it.

And I knew–an alternate timeline. Was it created in that moment? Did I simply tap into another timeline? I don’t pretend to know, and I’m not sure it matters. What matters is I knew what I saw and felt was real, even if I was spared fully experiencing it in this physical reality.

I had already had a similar experience several years ago, after having a minor fender bender on a local road. Yet for weeks afterward I was anxious out of all proportion, not on local roads, but on highways.

This continued until I entertained the thought that perhaps in some alternate universe I had a far more serious accident on the highway. And just like that, the anxiety was gone. Totally gone. I hadn’t concluded anything, just entertained the thought, and my anxiety was gone. I suppose technically that didn’t prove anything, but it did make me wonder–maybe there is something to this!

So what does this all mean? Well, to me it means that I’m am waking up to other realities, consciously aware and no longer willing to write off my experiences as some fear-based projections. And the consequence of that? Time will tell…!

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