Exquisite Transitions

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Archive for suicide

Scary thoughts

TOUGH DAY

Yesterday was a tough day! Especially for a Saturday.  And as the second of the two-day Conscious Convergence event I had an expectation (first clue) that I should be feeling in a particularly high frequency space. Yet it was quite the opposite.

Setting out for my morning moving meditation down to the harbor and around, my heart felt heavy. Being a Saturday I had the opportunity to sit at the waterside for a while, but rather than feeling peaceful I was restless and sad. I repeatedly acknowledged these feelings and brought myself back to focusing on Unity. I finally recognized that first one (meaning “I”) must acknowledge and release the feelings of restlessness vs peace, sadness vs joy, desire vs resistance, right vs wrong and on and on.

Of course I’ve been through this exercise many times before, but in time one gets caught up in whichever polarity and can easily forget that residing in one side of the polarity maintains the other side also. As I recognized and released these I began to feel a sense of moving through and beyond duality. Again questioning my contribution to anchoring “Unity,” I got a clear answer “it is done.” Behind the thought was a knowing that Unity already is and that I know this in my soul. The sadness, the duality that is/was moving through me is a releasing of vestiges to fully manifest this Unity in the here and now. So as I continued my walk, I still felt an aura of sadness, but without a label…just an is-ness.

THE SCARY PART

Later in the day I was confronted with more dualistic issues on the home front, which unleashed another wave of heavy-heartedness! Sad and angry I managed to communicate without rage or blame, but still there was this sadness that was from beyond me.

This sadness was morphing into thoughts that were clearly from beyond the me I know myself to be. I began to have unbidden thoughts of slitting my wrists! I didn’t want to kill myself, and yet I would see blood at my wrists, or have a sense of wanting to take something sharp to my wrists! And I knew it wasn’t me! Now mind you I know that there are people “out there” who would interpret this as some sort of possession, of the biblical kind or indicating mental illness, depending on ones leanings.

But for me, after letting go of the scariness of these thoughts and visions, it was a recognition of another me, an alternate me, in some other timeline, going through something that was leading “me/her” to such thoughts and probably actions. It went so far as my being drawn to lie down in my bathtub to have a good cry (so I felt), yet it fit with the visions of slitting my wrists, and feeling into this lower frequency reality.

As I said–scary. But I KNEW this was NOT my reality.  I was sensing/feeling/seeing it, knowing that the reason was for me to offer MY STRENGTH, MY FAITH, MY INNER BALANCE AND PEACE to that alternate me. The feeling quite clear that while the desire and actions were there, the intent to end that life was not strong, not determined. Therefore I imagine that my awareness of this alternate reality was so that I could lend my abilities, my higher frequencies if you will, to raise the frequencies of the alternate me–so she could know that this was not the way to deal with the feelings she/we were experiencing.

After getting out of the tub the feelings, thoughts and visions ended. There was a sense of greater peace about me. Once I fell asleep I slept well and woke up feeling like “me” again.

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