Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for lower frequency

Sinking Into Neutral… (Part I)

You just have no idea!

My life has done a 180 in 6 weeks time!! I went from chronic exhaustion to boundless energy for a multi-verse of major life changes–simultaneously! And I can still laugh, and talk and joke and seem to be able to handle it all.

Every step along the way has had its miracle, has created a spiritual thesis of sorts, handling this multi-verse of experiences pretty much in tact–by trusting, by feeling the signs, and being able to instantly suss out the next best action to spin into motion… until another sign comes along.

And now I have had an awakening that I’ve been feeling bubbling up for several days: I’m sinking into neutral…and I feel like I’m suffocating.  A literal embodiment of buying a new home which is “upgraded with neutrals.” While I can see beauty in them, I feel they draw the life energy from me!

So this evening I stand in my pastel blue,  lavender and white bathroom, thinking about my lavender-white colored living room, and deep green and white bedroom balanced with a wood clad wall… I recognize the ethereal space I created here which I loved…but have also been suffocating in (size and breadth)… and what I’ve been feeling for days and hit me full force tonight…after years of relentless inner craving for a larger home and outdoor space…I have one, just like that…and I’m surrounded by earth-tones. (Gasp!)

For days my husband I have been talking about how to make it our own…and even he expressed the desire to paint our new bedroom the same color as we’ve had it for years! And as I contemplate the changes I’d like to make to this room and that…I begin to question, am I supposed to be bringing that energy to the new house? Some how I feel…No. Yet that is not what my ego wants!  What? My ego?? Really??? I’m not seeing how in this moment…but I feel that is truth.

Okay,  now I’m confused!

Did I say “an Upgrade to NEUTRAL”????? ! Are you/Am I saying that the mass’ love affair with Neutral is an Upgrade?? Now I don’t mean to offend, but I have long felt strongly (really, STRONGLY?…could be ego…hhmmm) that Neutral has a low vibrational frequency. This is going to take me quite a while to feel my way through!!!

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Let It Flow, or How Not to Get Stuck in Someone Else’s “Stuff”

I had a thyroid biopsy today and everything looks good. (More indepth analysis will be done, but the prelimary look-see was all good.) 

I had no anxiety, no fear, no concern whatsoever about this being anything but an exercise that one has to go through…until I got to the radiology place. When I got there I stepped into their restroom and was whallopped with unexpected and powerful emotions. The tears came before I knew it and kept flowing. Suddenly I was in a place of anxiety and fear of the future, of another medical crisis and the unknown.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

My husband tried to comfort me and I tried to deal with the feelings and the tears that simply would not stop, even while no thoughts ran through my head. It was at least another 1/2 hour before I was taken in and the preliminary test started when I had a knowing that these feelings were not my own. I was picking up on the thousands of people that come through the waiting room, often to be quietly released in its restroom. I was literally in a place of anxiety and fear. Instantly I experienced a shift within, my perspective changed, and I came back into my own. This confirmed for me that what I felt was not a sudden surge of suppressed fear, but a sensitivity to the imprints of the location–a location that clearly needs to be energetically cleared on a regular basis, but unfortunately the medical professionals there are oblivious to this level of contamination.

Sometime ago I began to recognize this state of “thought-free emotions” as something that just needs to be allowed to flow. Our penchant for trying to understand “why? what does this mean?” inhibits the energy-in-motion and is largely responsible for getting stuck in them. In allowing the emotion to flow and resisting the urge to ask “why,” I believe I was able to quickly let this e-motion to move through me, and then be open to the clarity that this energy was not “mine” — an important reminder for me of the energetic frequency of “place,” and the potential to get swept up in the imprinted emotions of those that came before.

No Denying It!

I have been dealing with a woman at work for about 9 months now, who is seen by all as an albatross, but getting rid of her is very difficult as she “would rather fight than switch.” In other words, she would sue.

Friday afternoon, I was finishing a project of video taping numerous people for a presentation to be shown at an upcoming event. The last person was this woman in question. Sitting 3 feet away from her I was utterly appaulled at what I saw/heard/felt! Despite the pretext of what was supposed to come off as complimentary, what exuded from every cell of her was anger and hatred. She was lost within her own sphere of self-delusion and I was shaken to my core. It was never clearer to me than it was in that moment, and I’ve had my share of direct attacks, how blatantly she was broadcasting all of it! Whew, still reeling at bit when I think of it.

I am always reluctant to label anyone in such a negative manor. But there was no question and no denying what I recognized with every cell of my being–inspite of my resistance to seeing anyone as dark! Thanks to Denise Le Fay’s most recent post which allowed me to acknowledge that I can trust my senses, despite my preference not to see others so utterly steeped in the dark.

Is it any wonder?

On Hold… but Happy :)

A fellow blogger was sweet enough to inquire if I was alright recently, as I’ve been rather quiet here. I’ve been feeling like I just don’t have much to say at the moment. It’s either that or I’ve been sharing them in the moment with folks I work with and the moment’s over 😉 . Or I’ve been telling myself I don’t have any interesting insights or experiences to share. [Partially true.]

Well, what I have been thinking for quite some time, all though it didn’t sound like anything “post-worthy,” I feel like life is on hold. There are many things I’d like to do, as it relates to my home, going back to school, writing.., but I am always left with a feeling, there are so many things up in the air, I don’t want to start something without having a clearer sense of what the next bend in the road will bring. I’ve been feeling indecisive for the first time in my life. It seems that what I want changes by the hour. So I ride the waves of fluctuating (un)certainty and try not to get whiplash along the way.

My parents are elderly–Dad turns 90 in 2 weeks! Their health is in decline, and my concerns for them are on the increase. I feel like any day my life can be turned upside down and my husband, the kitties and I may have to pick up and move in with them (or more likely, one of them).

My job is wonderful, but very likely to end 6/30 of next year, as the grant is out and is not likely to be extended again. I am interviewing for another job, however that process is going very slowly, and I question whether it is really the right job for me.

In this recent interview process I have come to learn still more about myself, and what is important to me in the arena of “work.” Many things were very clear from the get-go: a harmonious work environment, good group of people who share mutual respect, as well as not taking life and work too seriously–meaning, they know how to have fun too. A good balance of work skills, as in working with people, but also to have responsibilities that are independent of dealing with people. (I need to have some time a way from others, in order to rebalance myself.)

And I like being responsible for things, like office equipment, supplies, technology and the like, vs people who are so darn fickle, and get under my skin if they lack a good work ethic. That’s one of the things I recalled recently when thinking about my days as an HR Manager years ago. Don’t want it! Ruins my day. I love not caring if Sally comes in late or not…not my problem 😉 Doesn’t bother me unless I am waiting for something from her to do what I need to do!

And at the top of my list, probably because these other things were a “given” for me, was a stress-free commute. I’ve been very fortunate in that way for the last several years, and it makes a HUGE difference in my life.

But I digress. My apologies. What I’d really like to say is that I’m in a really good place these days, even with some dissatisfaction about things within my home that I’d like to replace or update, lack of space etc. I look forward to going to work, every day. And likewise, I look forward to coming home, every night. It feels like a very good balance! At work I exercise my skills, competencies and receive in exchange appreciation and acknowledgment.  At home I come back into my own, enjoy my husband and my girls and it feels like a whole ‘nother day in a way. Each joy-filled and balanced in their own right.

The sense of imminent change surrounds me. There is much I want to change, and much I know will change at some point. But for now, my life is on hold. Thankfully I am very content. Perhaps that is the part of me that is holding change at bay: I don’t want to lose the happy balance I now have.

Don't Upset the Balance, Please

Scary thoughts

TOUGH DAY

Yesterday was a tough day! Especially for a Saturday.  And as the second of the two-day Conscious Convergence event I had an expectation (first clue) that I should be feeling in a particularly high frequency space. Yet it was quite the opposite.

Setting out for my morning moving meditation down to the harbor and around, my heart felt heavy. Being a Saturday I had the opportunity to sit at the waterside for a while, but rather than feeling peaceful I was restless and sad. I repeatedly acknowledged these feelings and brought myself back to focusing on Unity. I finally recognized that first one (meaning “I”) must acknowledge and release the feelings of restlessness vs peace, sadness vs joy, desire vs resistance, right vs wrong and on and on.

Of course I’ve been through this exercise many times before, but in time one gets caught up in whichever polarity and can easily forget that residing in one side of the polarity maintains the other side also. As I recognized and released these I began to feel a sense of moving through and beyond duality. Again questioning my contribution to anchoring “Unity,” I got a clear answer “it is done.” Behind the thought was a knowing that Unity already is and that I know this in my soul. The sadness, the duality that is/was moving through me is a releasing of vestiges to fully manifest this Unity in the here and now. So as I continued my walk, I still felt an aura of sadness, but without a label…just an is-ness.

THE SCARY PART

Later in the day I was confronted with more dualistic issues on the home front, which unleashed another wave of heavy-heartedness! Sad and angry I managed to communicate without rage or blame, but still there was this sadness that was from beyond me.

This sadness was morphing into thoughts that were clearly from beyond the me I know myself to be. I began to have unbidden thoughts of slitting my wrists! I didn’t want to kill myself, and yet I would see blood at my wrists, or have a sense of wanting to take something sharp to my wrists! And I knew it wasn’t me! Now mind you I know that there are people “out there” who would interpret this as some sort of possession, of the biblical kind or indicating mental illness, depending on ones leanings.

But for me, after letting go of the scariness of these thoughts and visions, it was a recognition of another me, an alternate me, in some other timeline, going through something that was leading “me/her” to such thoughts and probably actions. It went so far as my being drawn to lie down in my bathtub to have a good cry (so I felt), yet it fit with the visions of slitting my wrists, and feeling into this lower frequency reality.

As I said–scary. But I KNEW this was NOT my reality.  I was sensing/feeling/seeing it, knowing that the reason was for me to offer MY STRENGTH, MY FAITH, MY INNER BALANCE AND PEACE to that alternate me. The feeling quite clear that while the desire and actions were there, the intent to end that life was not strong, not determined. Therefore I imagine that my awareness of this alternate reality was so that I could lend my abilities, my higher frequencies if you will, to raise the frequencies of the alternate me–so she could know that this was not the way to deal with the feelings she/we were experiencing.

After getting out of the tub the feelings, thoughts and visions ended. There was a sense of greater peace about me. Once I fell asleep I slept well and woke up feeling like “me” again.

Facing the Bully

By both example and predisposition I have typically avoided confrontation. In fact, when I was a teen and I  started to stand up for myself, I was actually discouraged from doing so by my mother “for the sake of harmony,” and told to apologize when a family member spoke inappropriately to me. (She has since apologized to me for insisting I do so.)

For a number of years now I have had the opportunity in small ways to stand up for myself, and interestingly there are still people in my world who are more interested in “how it looks,” or “whether its important enough.”

Again, I accepted a paradigm that ‘walking away’ was the higher form of handling these situations. And I suspect that idea is still true, however, I sense that like learning to accept and express anger (another transition I have made), first one must bring something which has been out of balance, into balance.

Standing Out

Standing Out

So today I had a more vivid experience of facing the bully. I apparently made a serious miscalculation at the deli counter at our local supermarket by failing to take a number. There were two people behind the counter and only one customer on line–I didn’t see a need to take a number. Well apparently the lady who came up behind me several minutes later, while I was still waiting to be served, didn’t see it that way.

When her number was called and she was going to begin ordering, I made it clear that I was next and had been waiting, despite not taking a number. She somehow bought into the idea that having the next number trumped actually being there first.  She responded by cursing me out and calling me a Bxxxxx.

Not having much experience in dealing with such individuals (thankfully), I was taken aback, but energized from an internal source to stand up for myself. And despite subsequent thoughts and names that have flowed from my brain in reaction to her attacks, I was able to maintain a civil level, while not backing down.

When she told me to shut my mouth–I take it she was not used to people standing up for themselves and would just cower at being called names–I said I would open my mouth as much as I wanted. (Childish sounding, I know…but that’s how it came out.)

The point was, I would not be silenced by this bully. And somewhere from within there was an Editor at work that filtered all the nasty things I might have said,  but didn’t, and kept the tone level, enabling me to be Me without reacting to this bully by turning into her. I am very grateful to that Editor. Interestingly though, when I was out of the moment, the Editor disappeared and the thoughts started flowing. I guess that’s one way of working it out LOL.

Being a person who reflects on my own actions and words I have questioned my engaging in this encounter and how and what was said. While I believe the day will come when I can choose to turn my back and not engage a person like this, it seems very clear to me that for now, it is imperative that I find my voice–correction, that I use my voice–to stand up for myself.

I say use my voice because in dream state I have done this in very much the same way repeatedly over the past number of years. Just as today, it came from a part of me that was strong, centered and not given to lowering myself to the level of the consciousness I was encountering.

Until today, I have not had the opportunity to use my voice, my physical body, my waking mind, to engage in this way. So while it wasn’t exactly pleasant, I feel that it was a healthy and necessary step to transition from acquiescing and appeasing to refusing to diminish myself so someone else can feel better about them self.

I look forward to the day when my knowing is so secure that I can choose to walk away and let the bullies play their games by themselves.

Jumping around…

So Friday morning I woke up feeling very “out of time.” In fact, I was so disconnected from time that I would read the time on my clock and I couldn’t quite relate. I did not feel like I had enough time to get ready for work if I did my workout, even though it was the same time I get up every morning and always have just enough of time.

I chose not to workout, which turn out to be a good thing as I could not get moving. It seems that I was moving in super slow motion. This lasted for several hours. There was also a sense of general disorientation–like I was just a tad out of phase with the world around me.

I contemplated this on my drive to work (being extra careful given how I was feeling, and my experience on the way home the night before  😉 .) As I sit here for the life of me I can’t recall what my dreams were about before waking, but I do remember there was something about being late for “something.” Of course this is not an unusual dream, but it seems that I woke up in this exact state.

I reflected on the other dreams I’d been having, namely, visiting alternate realities of a seemingly lower vibration, and the fender bender I “felt” the night before. It got me to wondering what it would be like to visit alternate realities of a higher vibration, or to experience a higher vibrational version of me slip into my life.

That’s when it struck me, that if I had “jumped” into such a lower vibrational reality during dream state, perhaps remaining even into the waking state, wouldn’t things seem very dense, very slow? Wouldn’t I feel sluggish? Something about this thought really resonated.

It also got me wondering as to whether dream state is about integrating lower frequencies, and waking state is the opportunity to integrate higher frequencies. With that I consciously gave my permission to higher vibrational frequencies of my own consciousness to integrate within my life.

So we shall see…

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