Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Archive for disorientation

Sinking Into Neutral… (Part I)

You just have no idea!

My life has done a 180 in 6 weeks time!! I went from chronic exhaustion to boundless energy for a multi-verse of major life changes–simultaneously! And I can still laugh, and talk and joke and seem to be able to handle it all.

Every step along the way has had its miracle, has created a spiritual thesis of sorts, handling this multi-verse of experiences pretty much in tact–by trusting, by feeling the signs, and being able to instantly suss out the next best action to spin into motion… until another sign comes along.

And now I have had an awakening that I’ve been feeling bubbling up for several days: I’m sinking into neutral…and I feel like I’m suffocating.  A literal embodiment of buying a new home which is “upgraded with neutrals.” While I can see beauty in them, I feel they draw the life energy from me!

So this evening I stand in my pastel blue,  lavender and white bathroom, thinking about my lavender-white colored living room, and deep green and white bedroom balanced with a wood clad wall… I recognize the ethereal space I created here which I loved…but have also been suffocating in (size and breadth)… and what I’ve been feeling for days and hit me full force tonight…after years of relentless inner craving for a larger home and outdoor space…I have one, just like that…and I’m surrounded by earth-tones. (Gasp!)

For days my husband I have been talking about how to make it our own…and even he expressed the desire to paint our new bedroom the same color as we’ve had it for years! And as I contemplate the changes I’d like to make to this room and that…I begin to question, am I supposed to be bringing that energy to the new house? Some how I feel…No. Yet that is not what my ego wants!  What? My ego?? Really??? I’m not seeing how in this moment…but I feel that is truth.

Okay,  now I’m confused!

Did I say “an Upgrade to NEUTRAL”????? ! Are you/Am I saying that the mass’ love affair with Neutral is an Upgrade?? Now I don’t mean to offend, but I have long felt strongly (really, STRONGLY?…could be ego…hhmmm) that Neutral has a low vibrational frequency. This is going to take me quite a while to feel my way through!!!


Burned By the Future

For as long as I can remember I have projected much of my focus into the future. As I grew spiritually I moved from simply fantasizing about it, to using much discussed tools to create the reality I wanted, draw the future in, envisioning, preparing and so forth. All the while I struggled to balance this with living in the now. Yeah, I know… mega contradiction.

There was a time when I had a fair amount of attention on the past, getting stuck on old creations, but I managed to release that years ago. The future though still claimed me, that’s is until about one month ago. I managed to create the ideal future reality that was such a perfect reflection of “me” that it was tailor made. All the pieces were in place, ready to manifest in the now, but for those annoying little details that keep that-there from showing up in this-now.

There were signs all along that at the very least, this (as in ‘now’) is not the time for that particular reality to be. Then last month I was forced to face the facts that these realities were not going to intersect, not in this-now. The hammer fell, once, twice, and then again, that the “reality” of this-here and this-now was going to prevail. This was a very, very hard pill to swallow, as this future-now felt perfect-for-me (at least according to my ego-self). The final blow came the night before my birthday with devastating finality. The result for me was less depressing and more numbing–now what? [Interesting phrase, “NOW what?”] Exactly!

Since then I have been left floating in NOW what. Whenever any residual pull to projecting ahead tempts me, I feel the sting of rejection, for lack of a better word, so very profoundly, that I pull back out of sheer self-preservation–forced by my recent pain reflexes to back away from any attempts to project into a future — self-created or not. So the NOW has won — perhaps by default, perhaps through the wisdom of my Celestial Self whom I consciously chose to fully embody and put in charge of ‘my’ life just before the hammer banged my ideal future into the ground. (I realize I’m really mixing my metaphors here, but just go with it 😉 )

I am comforted by the knowing that living in the NOW is truly the only way to LIVE — it’s just new for me, to feel cut off from that which has been my steady diet — a diet of creating, envisioning, and living in my head…

SIGH… For NOW, that is over.

Dangers of Distortion

What is becoming increasingly evident to me that distortion is the norm. How can this be? Isn’t distortion a twisting of reality and truth – a corruption of what’s real? Precisely.

It seems to dovetail perfectly into the understanding that this reality is illusion.

Personal Distortion

Illusion or not, this reality is under constant assault through distortion.

Distortion by whom? You-m, and me, and who knows what other aspects of consciousness are perpetuating this misalignment. I’m not so sure it really matters other than to begin to awaken to the myriad of ways we contribute to it, as well as to recognize its many forms, in order to step back, label it, and seek the clarity that it hides.

What do I mean by distortion?

Distort: 1. to explain or report information in a way that is incorrect or untrue or that makes something seem different from what it really is; 2. a sound, shape, characteristic or frequency that distorts or changes (something) so that it is strange, unclear, or difficult to recognize

That doesn’t sound that dangerous or pervasive, does it? Well if you really think about it, consider the different names and forms we have for perpetrating distortion: lies, half-truths, creative license, politics, spin, influence, personal perspective, fantasy, cultural norm, selling, marketing, business as usual, nationalism, religion, science, statistics, theory, art, framing, memory, comparison…

Distortion of Reality

Where do we draw the line? Is there a line?

When we recognize that the distortion we perpetuate twists Truth, which affects all of Consciousness, I believe whatever line there may be moves.

Perhaps what is occurring is that I am becoming more and more aware of this “line” and where it “is.” For a long time now I have made a conscious effort to be as clear as possible, both within my own being, as well as communicating with others. During this process I have become increasingly sensitive to lack of clarity.

I might define clarity as coming into the purist possible focus. [Think, analog to high def – an external reflection of how our consciousness is moving. ;)] So as Consciousness moves in the direction of high def/Clarity, with a capital “C,” the distortion that we’ve been so accustom to becomes more and more glaring, and more and more jarring.

For those who are so entrenched in the old “analog” way of perceiving reality, there is little effort or awareness of anything but the distortion that is their norm. Yet, likewise for those of us who are seeking a High Definition, high frequency, crystalline clarity perspective. We need to be vigilant of the old ways that have been the “norm,” and recognize them for what they are: distortion.

Ramifications of continuing to partake in distortion???

Do we really want to go there?

Or should I say, stay there???

It's up to us.

Where did it go?

Mamaroneck Harbor

I had another weird experience this morning which I feel is really a shifting into/out of alternate realities. I went for my morning walk along the harbor and of course without a jacket or pocket, I carry my keys.  So after about 5 minutes I was consciously aware of the weight of the keys in my right hand and decided to shift them to the other hand. No I am not always so present with these types of actions, but on my walks–I think of them as moving meditations–I tend to be more so. 😉

So having decided to shift the keys to my left hand I did so…and instantly had the sensation in my right hand as if I had dropped something. So much so that I look to the ground to see whether I had! I had “forgotten” for several seconds that I moved the keys to my other hand, and yes, there they were, safe and sound, yet it “felt” like I had simply dropped “something.”

Keys to Changing Realities?

It may sound rather lame in describing this, however it was the weirdest sensation to make a conscious decision, act on it immediately and in the moment of doing so, instantly shift into a reality where I dropped “something,” presumably the keys. I felt as if I had shifted into another reality, even if only for an instant.

These moments happen to most of us at one time or another. I believe often times we are not aware of them, such as when we lose something knowing exactly where we put it, but then its not there– only to turn up somewhere completely different. Are we automatically just “losing it”…meaning our minds?? Sometimes, undoubtedly. But more and more I suspect that things which seem to appear and disappear need to be taken more at face value. That they may truly, be appearing and disappearing. And I believe this is happening with greater frequency as they layers between dimensions grow thinner, and we can shift more easily between them.

Home Again

After an absolutely perfect vacation and equally perfect trip back to NY, we’re home again. Back at work, but feeling great. Relaxed and flowing with whatever. Straightening out some snafu’s, but nothing overwhelming.

What’s more amazing than the breezy readjustment in the traveling home,  the time change and being back in the office is how different I am.  I am here, but I’m not all there…LOL. And what’s more, I am very okay with it!

Whether its something about work, doing something at home or going on my lunchtime walk, I notice that what may have previously been on autopilot is now off. And apparently from time to time the human pilot is off somewhere too.

What surprises me is how okay I am with how I am. It actually feels good to not be in conscious control at all times.  So while I am home again, I am also not all home, and it’s a good thing!

Leavin' the light on for when I return

IF I return 😉

Failure as a Stepping Stone

For those of us who know to look for the gift(s) in all of life’s experiences, we know that that which the world would label as Failure is but a stepping stone to another experience. And when rightly held by one who believes this with their whole heart, we recognize the opportunity to gain strength, insight, discernment, patience, wisdom…

Let’s just say, the greatest gifts can be wrapped within our deepest disappointments, and we will recognize them if we just keep looking.

Sitting In Between

Since I have been home from work for a day and a half, getting a bit of rest only goes so far. Then its playing catch up on shows I have on TiVo, playing some online games, and then…?

Last weekend I had so much I wanted to have time to do, continue working a DVD series I have, trying new things on this blog and other things I can’t even remember anymore. Just like yesterday morning, a joy-filled, energized and happy morning–so much energy for so many wonderful things. And now, I have no sense of being pulled towards anything. I’m just sitting in between, waiting for some sense of where to direct my attention.

Come again?

Perhaps this is what yesterday’s fall was about. “Time Out.” Just sit there (lay there actually) until you are ready to move again. In the meanwhile, just Be. So I guess I’ll just turn off the TV, move away from the computer and just Be for a while…sitting in between.

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