Exquisite Transitions

Exploring the opportunities and gifts of changing times

Father’s Knows Best Was Cancelled 50 Years Ago: 2010 Completion at Last

Father Knows Best...at least on TV in the 50's

In Running for Cover No More I wrote about my journey of getting in touch with and learning how to express anger in healthy ways. Yesterday I came to a point of realization and completion of this life lesson. As I explained in this earlier post, my issues with dealing with anger, my own and others, stemmed, at least in this lifetime, from dealing with my father.

Never physically abusive, my father tended towards rages and what I came to think of as venomous outbursts. It was rarely the words themselves that were venomous, but the delivery. It was these outbursts that caused me to avoid confrontation, with him and later with others — and to stifle my own anger for so many years. Yesterday I got to stand in my power, face the demonous outbursts and remain standing unharmed and unphased. I got to look the demon in the eye and see it for what it is–disdain.

I hadn’t had this venom thrust directly at me in many years. I’ve seen it and heard it now and again, but not face to face and not coming straight at me. Living 75 miles apart serves as a neat buffer to at least conscious exposure to these attacks. But yesterday my husband and I went to celebrate an early father’s day with my folks when an old issue reared its nasty head.  This time, I was not going to silently swallow my hurt and anger, by avoiding a confrontation with him and pretending everything was honky dory.

He was stunned and after several minute the beast was released. There it was and I could see it for the demon it was, inner disdain.  While I don’t energetically see the attack, I certainly feel it. But with my MBA in anger,  for the first time in my life I had the inner strength and self-awareness to stand there and it just slid right off me. In the past it would shut me down, shrivel me up and control me to avoid it. Now, it held no power over me. One time, two times, three times. Nothing. I  saw the ugly side that my father buries deep inside which erupts as an attack.

We left, and despite my upset over the circumstances, timing and exchange, I’m okay. I’m okay with my mother who encouraged me AND my husband to express our feelings. I’m okay with what I said and how I said it. I’m very okay with my husband who had my back…something my father has never demonstrated. And I feel that I have made peace with the demon which controlled me for so long–the fear of my father’s disdain. Even in the face of it, I knew that it wasn’t really about me.

So I sit here and wonder, having faced this life long (perhaps lifetimes long) demon and survived, where to I go from here? What new doors will open? What other thresholds might I cross? I’m quite eager to find out!

Free at last!

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4 Comments»

  sheryl wrote @

Congratulations!!!!!!!
sheryl

  shamballa9944 wrote @

Thank you Sheryl!

  tasinator wrote @

Good for you, and can’t wait to hear what’s on the other side of that doorway 😉

  slowvelder wrote @

Wow – well done. It must have been tough though.


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