Burned By the Future

May 13, 2011 at 10:13 pm · Filed under Personal Transitions and tagged: burned by the future, creating our own reality, disorientation, Future, Present, Reality, the now, timelines

For as long as I can remember I have projected much of my focus into the future. As I grew spiritually I moved from simply fantasizing about it, to using much discussed tools to create the reality I wanted, draw the future in, envisioning, preparing and so forth. All the while I struggled to balance this with living in the now. Yeah, I know… mega contradiction.

There was a time when I had a fair amount of attention on the past, getting stuck on old creations, but I managed to release that years ago. The future though still claimed me, that’s is until about one month ago. I managed to create the ideal future reality that was such a perfect reflection of “me” that it was tailor made. All the pieces were in place, ready to manifest in the now, but for those annoying little details that keep that-there from showing up in this-now.

There were signs all along that at the very least, this (as in ‘now’) is not the time for that particular reality to be. Then last month I was forced to face the facts that these realities were not going to intersect, not in this-now. The hammer fell, once, twice, and then again, that the “reality” of this-here and this-now was going to prevail. This was a very, very hard pill to swallow, as this future-now felt perfect-for-me (at least according to my ego-self). The final blow came the night before my birthday with devastating finality. The result for me was less depressing and more numbing–now what? [Interesting phrase, “NOW what?”] Exactly!

Since then I have been left floating in NOW what. Whenever any residual pull to projecting ahead tempts me, I feel the sting of rejection, for lack of a better word, so very profoundly, that I pull back out of sheer self-preservation–forced by my recent pain reflexes to back away from any attempts to project into a future — self-created or not. So the NOW has won — perhaps by default, perhaps through the wisdom of my Celestial Self whom I consciously chose to fully embody and put in charge of ‘my’ life just before the hammer banged my ideal future into the ground. (I realize I’m really mixing my metaphors here, but just go with it 😉 )

I am comforted by the knowing that living in the NOW is truly the only way to LIVE — it’s just new for me, to feel cut off from that which has been my steady diet — a diet of creating, envisioning, and living in my head…

SIGH… For NOW, that is over.

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